This is how I, Shenora Longstringer, ended up laying in a pile of mashed potatoes with a fork sticking in my side atop of Rickety’s dining room table six months from disappearing from this earth by sailing into a magical fog.
Shenanigans. This time they are not mine, or our crews shenanigans either but it was our job to make it look good. Ok, perhaps what we did wasn’t the equivalent of what Harold did… saving the world, raising his brother from the dead… yeah, ok, that might have been much more impressive. All the more reason why you see, when you land in a pile of mashed potatoes you have to make it look good.
So yeah, blah blah blah, we were in this dungeon like maze with dead ends, zombies and all that crap. But when we went to sleep, it was like the day reset and we did it all over again. We didn’t know why this happened, but luckily I was able to map out the route pretty well the day before so we just took a different pathway to discover another way out. I was in particular looking for an “up” direction since when we woke up, all of our stuff, the wands, our loot… all returned right back to where they were. So here we go again, and this time we found some new and interesting creatures. A riddle that told us how to put a flesh to root tree to rest, that was fun. A room that seemed to be blocked by a scaly door, turned out we were looking at dragon ass. Funny thing, there seems to be some type of on button installed on that guy Dork, and he just burrowed into his ass, literally and came out with a rod on the other side. I did manage to take it’s eye too, but it was with a bit of trepidation thinking if we didn’t get out of here I’d just have to rip them out of his head again tomorrow. Regardless of what people think of me, I’d rather leave the scalping and skinning to the ranger types, but as spell components go, dragon eyes are better than gold.
That was when we found the room with the vertical tunnel and Rankor’s greedy sword started flipping the hell out. We could tell the dragon lair that they keep getting called back to each night was in the up position. And… after we flew up to the edge of the antimagic field… yeah, that sucker… we could tell there was a copper dragon on top of that pretty hoard. Mavrick was really good however at talking to the dragon after he smacked my grappling hook off the ledge a couple times, to let us come up and talk. Well, that’s where we found out the truth of where we have been for what we thought were the past few days. Noctus was keeping us, along with all types of other creatures captive among his demiplane ship. We could see the portal, and the copper dragon, Bill… explained that time goes much slower in here. He was very sad that even if he were to see his children, they would most likely be much older than him now. That’s when I saw it, the rows and rows of cages that held creatures of every kind from every world. Bill said each night he is taken though the portal and dissected, each day living waiting around to live out his nightmare. The only thing he had was his hoard, and even with that he offered me the staves to use if we could get them free. First time I ever felt guilty for payment, but luckily that feeling passed quickly. This was also when we saw it as we went through the anti-magic field, these mechanisms that tethered us to something. Bill said we all had them, and if you tried to cut it we would die. We saw some creature in another cage who clearly had cut it and it was indeed dead. Rami got a bit weird… even weirder than normal and was talking to the dead thing for a while. He did find a bow which was cool but still… he was starting to give me the heebs. Oh… did I also mention that he decided to mind link me and Dork. You know what Dork sounds like in my head… like bubbling pudding trying to pronounce annoying words like “moist” or “soap” with a hard p. It was convenient for getting around the basement parlor of Noctus’s ship, but gotta turn it off.
Anyway, we figured out we had to go though the portal and disable the device that we are all tethered too so we can not only free ourselves but creature on this hellish ship. So we jumped though the portal, and it certainly wasn’t what we were prepared to see.The skies were dark with smoke and fog but lit up bright against fires and magical remnants from a huge battle that was at its climax. There was no way to see who the clear winner was or even who was fighting, but it reminded me soon of the other Great War on the floating island. That’s when I realized it was golems that were battling and I had seen that once before. I looked though the dust and smoke as everyone was still pouring out of the portal, and I saw him. Focused and steadfast, determined and in all his godlike gloriousness, he battled as I had seen him do before. I had never seen a more welcomed and sexy sight as Harold in that moment. “He came! He came!” I exclaimed aloud, which was weird because usually that was only in my head and in private. I began to run towards him feeling my heart swell in some romantic ecstasy, he must have been searching for me! As I ran towards him, his face did seem truly delighted to see me, but then I saw it… it wasn’t delight as much as shock. Well that’s natural, but it wasn’t shock as much as surprise. Wait… if he came for me, why was he surprised to see me. I slowed my run noticing his arms were not out stretched for me as much as they were for the concentration for the spells he was wielding. That’s ok, I can respect a man at work, especially if there is still a good chance that this display was going to save all our asses. But this is how it went. I think I did an ok job of playing it cool. I think I even had my hand on my hip at one point.
Me: You came!
Harold: What are you doing here?
Me: Uh, we floated into Noctus’s fog and got stuck in a dungeon created for us in the hull of his ship.
(dodge flying rock)
Harold: Oh, you guys have been gone like six months. No one knew where you went.
Me: Nightmare knew.
Me: Nevermind. There’s all kinds of things down there, and we are tethered to some device that keeps us trapped. And the day starts all over again. It’s only been two or four days or so for us.
(Brace harms over my head and shield eyes from ashes)
Harold: What was he doing to you all down there?
(Wince from flash of dazzling fireball)
Me: Experiments, everyday apparently. ( In my head: Not the kind I like you performing on me thank you very much)
Harold: Well, the experiment is over. Noctus is gone. This whole place is gonna blow in five minutes.
Me: Yeah, well, best get us untied then. This way?
Harold: Uh, little busy here.
Me: Oh, yeah… I knew that.
So perhaps not the most romantic of reunions, but we were able to find the device we were tethered to very fast. Mavrick took small time of dispelling magic on the device which I would have done should one had not worked, but he is good. Then we let loose the pudding diamond drill bit we call Dork, and he made short work of destroying it. With two minutes to spare, we went back to the portal and dislodged the teleport stone. Harold yelled to us, to meet him at Rickety’s, a place he knew was safe and I had well memorized. So I grabbed everyone’s hands and teleported us to the very place.
Well of course the most memorable moment I had at Rickety’s what the time Harold and I were left in the room alone, and he no longer could deny his powerful animistic hungry lust. He threw me down onto the table and began to feverishly kiss me. I had my clothes on and of course didn’t want them ruined. I mean, I wanted him but I also like this outfit. He must have known what I was thinking. Harold pulled up from enveloping his face into my neck and stared into my eyes, asking for permission. I nodded yes, and without another pause I was naked across this very table for his pleasure with my armor and clothes neatly stacked and folded on the chair.
So that is why I am not laying on this table laden with mashed potatoes and possibilities.